101 Things To Do While Your Internet Loads in China

I think the Chinese government starting to issue red alerts is nice because these actions bring a whole lot of awareness to pollution. I am no longer arguing with my kid’s teachers or with my neighbors that pollution is harmful.

On the selfish hand, everyone and their 小朋友 is getting online.  Hello, you are experiencing bottleneck speeds. Please enjoy your fight for access.

101 Things To Do While Your Internet Loads in China

Things That Can Be Done at the Computer

  1. Sort that mountain of socks

I know you have one….

  1. Sort your pile of important documents into folders.

(So you can actually find what you need next time you’re looking.)

  1. Fold your laundry
  2. Iron your laundry
  3. Sort through your wallet

If you’re like me, you have tones of receipts shoved in your wallet for eventual fapiao retrieval that never ends up happening.

  1. Sort through your cell phone pictures and videos

Maybe this is only applicable to parents of digitally capable young children who take random, unnecessary videos of the floor.

  1. Delete unnecessary apps
  2. Organize your computer files

I was pretty organized on my PC. My Mac has made me lazy due to the awesome superpower search.

  1. Clean your jewelry
  2. Organize your desk
  3. Count and subtotal your fapiao

Being an early bird is better than submitting your fapiao late! And if you’re short, you can start asking others for some fapiao friendship.

  1. Memorize your phone number

I confess, I still don’t have my China number memorized.

  1. Do 10 pushups

Keep going if you can do more.

  1. Do 100 crunches

Tony Horton and I love bicycle crunches with alternating speeds, 10 extra slow, 10 fast, 10 slow, 10 fast, 10 extra slow… you get the point…

  1. Do 20 v-jacks

Check out bootlegged P90X3 on YouKu if you don’t know what this is.

  1. Do 15 pliés

For no more thunder thighs!

  1. Do 5 pull-ups and 5 chin-ups

Thank your Internet provider for awesome shoulders at the top of every one of these.

  1. Stretch

You’re gonna need some stretch time if that’s your first Internet workout session.

  1. Apply lotion to your dry skin/stretch marks

Pregnancy shout-out!

  1. Paint your nails

And your toenails while you’re at it.

  1. Pray or Meditate

Is your blood pressure slowly rising? Pray this verse, “Man’s anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires.” (Nor will your anger make your Internet load faster.) If you don’t pray, my cousin has a CD of yoga chants that might help you meditate if you do that instead.

  1. Memorize Scripture

It takes about 2 to 3 minutes max to memorize one verse for average learners. Imagine how many verses you’ll have memorized an hour from now?!?!

  1. Make a to-do list for the next month

Ok, maybe start small, with tomorrow’s list, and the next day, but by the look of your downloading and uploading speeds, you’ll have plenty of time.

  1. Write a blog post – bonus points for one that’s cheeky

Take those bandwidth bumps and turn them into steps toward a peak of creativeness.

  1. Do your homework

Unless of course you need the internet for that.

  1. Lesson plan
  2. Write an e-mail or two

Just use flippin’ Word – don’t type it up in your e-mail server unless you want interruptions.

  1. Read
  2. Practice Chinese vocabulary
  3. Practice writing Chinese characters
  4. Make up sentences with your Chinese vocabulary
  5. Cry
  6. Laugh
  7. Call a friend

Thankfully phone towers typically do not experience connection problems… oh wait….

  1. Brush or comb your hair
  2. Brush or comb your child’s hair
  3. Color with your kids
  4. Braid your daughter’s hair
  5. Help your children with homework
  6. Work on your next book
  7. Invent something
  8. Reflect on your day
  9. Make a meal plan
  10. Make a grocery list
  11. Update your scrapbook
  12. Start an AQI guessing game

Make a table in Word and enter your guess and then when your app finally loads, enter the measured number AQI. Eventually you’ll be able to correctly guess AQI levels.

  1. Look through old pictures
  2. Read old letters
  3. Ask your spouse for a back massage
  4. Give your spouse a back massage

Things That Can Be Done in a 2 Minute Load Time

  1. Brush and floss your teeth
  2. Clean your ears
  3. Make your bed
  4. Put your folded socks, clothes or towels away
  5. Put your next load of laundry in the washing machine
  6. Water your plants
  7. Go to the bathroom

Holding it in is not healthy, and I’m guessing most of us are guilty of this when we’re glued to the computer.

  1. Get water

Stay hydrated while surfing and working!

  1. Fix your face

This is just an expression for “put your makeup on.”

  1. Change clothes
  2. Check your weight

Being obsessive about weight of course is not a good thing, but yo-yo is a no-no. Keep track!

  1. Check your blood sugar

Diabetes shout-out!

  1. Check your stock of toilet paper

Can you really have too much?

  1. Dust your curtains
  2. Dust your light fixtures
  3. Check your electricity meter

I hate those times when I forget to add money to my meter, and the meter runs out in the middle of the night. Bummer.

  1. Check your gas meter
  2. Pick your nose

What?! I think the majority of the Beijing population does this due to all the gunk that gets stuck. Don’t believe me? Check out this notice from the Chinese government and this confession from an expat.

  1. Wipe down your dinner table
  2. Wipe down your refrigerator
  3. Wipe down your kitchen counters
  4. Check your air filters for overusage
  5. Change a dirty diaper

Don’t wait to do this, just… this could be done in two minutes of load time if the events happen to overlap!

  1. Get a snack
  2. Take your pills/vitamins

Things That Can Be Done in a 5 Minute Load Time

  1. Sweep your room
  2. Mop your room
  3. Clean under your bed
  4. Clean under other office/bedroom furniture
  5. Shave
  6. Clean your bedroom/office windows
  7. Take out the trash
  8. Wash your dishes
  9. Fix your hair
  10. Pick out clothes for your next workweek

Really, picking out your clothes for a workweek will save you time when you’re barely conscious in the morning.

  1. Read a book to your kids
  2. Hang your clothes to dry
  3. Do a five minute clean up sweep

Are you perpetually messy? A five-minute clean up of a room creates so much order in so little time. Set a timer, on your marks, get set, clean!!

  1. Put items back in their place (the ones found in the clean up sweep)
  2. Chop vegetables for dinner
  3. Check your refrigerator for food freshness
  4. Clean all mirrors
  5. Put your dishes away
  6. Attack and tickle your kids
  7. Build a tent for you kids

This might take longer than five minutes if you’re not an excellent sheet-tent maker like myself.

  1. Clean your bathroom sink
  2. Knock-and-dash AKA return items to your neighbors

Look, I’m trying to do homework right now, not visit with my neighbors. I’ll do that at another time.

  1. Check your router
  2. Using a VPN? Check to see if your problem is DNS poisoning
  3. Not DNS poisoning? Make sure you have the latest VPN version
  4. Order a hardline for you computer

Hardline connections work much faster for your router than using a wireless connection.

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