Steps Leading to Adultery: Impure Thoughts in the Marriage Bed

Just to get it out there, yes, this post is about sex, thoughts, and the marriage bed. This should be a safe post for anyone who struggles with sexual immorality though, regardless of gender.

Anyone at all who is not following Jesus will most likely tell you there is nothing wrong with checking someone out, and some might even go as far as to say it’s healthy to think about other people while you have sex with your spouse.

They’re wrong. That’s adultery.

“But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” Matthew 5:28 (ESV)

God does not simply judge us to his law based on what we do in our actions, but also in our heart. Even those who do not know God have the law written on their hearts through their creation as it explains in Romans 2:15-16.

“They show that the work of the law is written on their hearts, while their conscience also bears witness, and their conflicting thoughts accuse or even excuse them on that day when, according to my gospel, God judges the secrets of men by Christ Jesus.”

So, that’s why Jesus doesn’t qualify if you’re looking at another while they’re physically present or if you’re desiring in your mind’s eye. God will judge based on the secrets of all.

It’s totally dangerous to think about another while in the marriage bed because you’re setting your appetite to crave someone other than your spouse. If you think about another in this way, what happens when that doesn’t satisfy? Will you chase after pornography next? Will you then chase after a relationship? How do you know when your appetite has had enough?

“Can a man carry fire next to his chest
and his clothes not be burned?
Or can one walk on hot coals
and his feet not be scorched?
So is he who goes in to his neighbor’s wife;
none who touches her will go unpunished.” (Proverbs 6:27-29)

Instead, stop your appetite for things that are unholy before it grows into an untamable beast.

If you struggle with impure thoughts when it’s a moment of intimacy with your spouse, here are a few things you can do to battle:

  1. Stay in the Word every day and pray for purity. Without taking a full meal of the word, it’s going to be hard to fight on spiritual fumes.
  2. Confess your sins to the Lord, your spouse, and your accountability partner.  Yes, I said to your spouse. Here’s how, “I’m struggling with being pure in my heart and mind. I want to cherish you as you should be cherished, as God has joined us together for our delight. I want to delight in you in purity, but my heart is shamefully evil. Please pray for me. I need help in this area and I want you to know that.”
  3. Right before being intimate, pray together with your spouse. “Lord, please guard both of our minds so that we are pure and will delight in one another. May we enjoy this time as a gift for our marriage.”
  4. Focus on your spouse in the moment instead of letting your mind wander. Don’t let your mind think even about what’s gone on in your day. Focus on eyes, lips, hair, smell, and other physically present things. Keep the light on if you have to.
  5. If it’s uncontrollable, stop, pray, try again.
  6. Have regular times of intimacy. Don’t wait until your body’s passions are attacking your mind. Also let your spouse know your needs.

I hope these help! If you’re a lady, you’re always welcome to reach out to me for further advice. If you’re a dude, you’ll be redirected to my man.

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